Caregiving for Homeschool Families: Don’t Go Into It Lightly

Posted on May 26, 2010 
Filed Under Home & Garden, Homeschool, Observations, family

Daddy's hands. He loved the Word and carried it with him throughout his life.

Homeschool families are notoriously family-friendly, but I’ve recently been hearing questions and concerns about caregiving while homeschooling, so I thought I’d share a few thoughts here. Most of the people who have asked questions have been thinking about their parents or grandparents and have options available other than in-home caregiving, so I’ll mostly address things to consider in deciding whether or not to opt for in-home caregiving.

I was raised by my grandparents, so caregiving arrived early for me. My husband Donald and I cared for my grandfather (actually step-g) from 1989 until he passed on from complications of Alzheimer’s disease in 1993, and have been caring for my grandmother ever since. The observations I’ll share are based on my experiences and those of my caregiving friends during the past couple of decades and may not apply to everyone. Perhaps they’ll help as you consider what might lie ahead for your family.

You Gain

You Lose

Challenges You Need to Consider

Do you have a good relationship with the person who will be needing care?

If there are long-standing relationship issues or personality conflicts, and especially if the parent in question is bullying, manipulative, abusive, or otherwise dangerous, it may be best to consider options other than in-home care. The priority in your home must be caring for your husband and children, and that requires focus and emotional energy. If you have no other option than to take a person who is toxic, the Lord will be there for you, but I don’t recommend it if you don’t have to do it.

Does the person want in-home care?

If you’re considering taking in a parent or grandparent who has expressed a preference for an assisted living arrangement, listen to them, especially if you live in an area far from their friends. Loneliness is one of the main problems of old age, and an older person with an active mind may not enjoy being stuck in a house full of children without anyone their own age to socialize with. Don’t override their wishes just because you feel it would be a good and noble thing to do– they’re likely to be miserable and make you miserable as well.

Is your home accessible and suitable for two-family living?

The best arrangement seem to be when the older person has a separate suite of rooms away from the rest of the family. This allows your family a measure of privacy, and gives the older person a place to be quiet and enjoy their own pursuits. Older people tire easily, and the normal noise and rhythm of family life can be too much for them, so having their own place is very helpful. It also allows them to entertain visitors that might drop by just to see them.

If your home isn’t handicapped accessible, you may find yourself needing to make expensive alterations or even move in order to accomodate the elder’s declining capabilities. My grandmother was only 79 when she moved in with us, and she’s 97 now. In the early years, she was able to fix her own meals, tend her flowerbeds, and do little projects, but now she barely gets around with a walker and spends a great deal of time dozing. Halls and doors must be wide enough to accomodate the walker, and at some point, probably a wheelchair, and the bathroom needs to have grab-bars and other safety features.

Do you have a good relationship with your spouse?

Raising a family and homeschooling are two of the most intense things you’ll ever do. While you’re doing it, you have to work extra hard to maintain a solid relationship with your husband, or you can find yourself drowning in daily difficulties and forgetting your primary responsibility (to love your husband– Titus 2). Add in caregiving, and it all becomes more intense. If you don’t have a very solid relationship with your husband to begin with, caregiving will challenge it even more, as you will have very little time together as a couple. If the person you’d be caring for has a difficult personality, it can strain a weak relationship to the breaking point.

Does your spouse support the idea of caregiving?

If you’re considering caregiving and your spouse is opposed to the idea, please stop considering it. Without the unequivocal commitment and support of both husband and wife, the outcome is likely to be negative. This is a huge, stressful, long-term job, and you’ll need each other more than ever in order to survive. If you take on caregiving in opposition to your spouse, it will probably be your children who are most hurt by the fallout, so it’s absolutely not worth it.

Do you and the potential “caregivee” have a sense of humor?

If you both don’t have a sense of humor, you may not be able to navigate the difficult days of dentures, diapers, and dementia without cracking. Some of the stuff you have to put up with is so awful that you just have to laugh. If either one of you lacks a sense of humor, caregiving is likely be very challenging.

Do you love the person you are considering caring for?

If you love the person you’re caring for, you’ll probably be able to get through it, even if there are times when you don’t particularly like them. Even if you have very little in common and find them difficult to get along with, you’ll be able to pass along the grace that the Lord has shown you, and be kind to them even when they aren’t easy to be with.

What kind of an influence will the caregivee be on your family?

If you are considering caring for a parent or grandparent who isn’t saved or who has significantly different values than you do, consider the age of your children and what impact the person’s influence might have on them. Be aware that an overtly hostile non-Christian may not be as bad an influence as someone who claims faith but hasn’t allowed the Lord to lead in his or her life. Attitudes are contagious, so consider in advance how to deal with things like a malicious tongue, impatience, manipulation, a liking for argument, or other negative behaviors.

If you have to deal with a toxic character, do you have a strong support system?

If you find it necessary to care for someone who is abusive, manipulative, bullying, or otherwise dangerous, you need help. A toxic personality will not only stress the caregiver, but will also almost inevitably poison the atmosphere of the entire household. Try to enlist a support system from outside your home to help you cope. This may include people from your church fellowship or community who can give you a break and deflect some of the toxic behavior.

Some Truths About Caregivers

Next article in this series: Advice for Friends of Caregivers

Comments

6 Responses to “Caregiving for Homeschool Families: Don’t Go Into It Lightly”

  1. Karen Davis on May 26th, 2010 4:29 pm

    Thank you for a great article that I can link to whenever this question comes up. It is one of the few life situations that I have currently still been spared so I can’t speak from experience.

  2. K. Rogers on May 26th, 2010 6:34 pm

    Excellent article, Janice! My mom has lived with us for over 6 years and during that time we have graduated 2 from homeschool and one from college. While it has been a blessing, I am finding that we are tired as her Alzheimer’s progresses. I am seeking out resources such as part-time caregivers and senior day centers during school hours. If you know your loved one has Alzheimer’s, please read up, talk with other caregivers, social workers, and doctors on the stages of progression. Pray and discuss this decision being aware of the difficulties involved.

    One more thought: make sure to discuss all care plan details with your siblings before you enter into caring for your loved one, especially financial arrangements, living wills/advanced health directives, power of attorney (durable and medical), etc. This is very important.

  3. Kimmie on May 28th, 2010 4:43 am

    What a beautifully written post Janice. May God use it in many people lives as they step into similar situations. Thank you for sharing your life and heart here.

    Kimmie
    mama to 8
    one homemade and 7 adopted

  4. April Duritza on June 22nd, 2010 6:58 pm

    What an excellent, well thought out post! Wonderful of you to share what experience has taught you.

  5. MaryEllen Oliver on June 26th, 2010 3:20 am

    Thank you for writing this. We cared for my husband’s grandparents for just 2 years while homeschooling, and it felt like far more time than that! We are entirely glad that we did it, but it was painful in the many ways you express so very well.

    We originally came in to help his Grandpa, who’d had his leg amputated, and that work - though very physical, and involving many icky tasks! - seemed absolutely worth it. He had a great sense of humor about being in his predicament, and a “well, someone has to do this, and today it’s you!” sensibility.

    My husband’s Grandma had slight dementia that increased during the time we were there. After Grandpa died of congestive heart failure, we could only take 6 months of living just with her - it was just too hard on our (grade-school age) kids to field comments from her that never would have come from the person Grandma used to be.

    As I remember them and our experience, I will pray for you in yours. May the Lord bless you and give you REST and TIME.

  6. Janice Campbell on June 26th, 2010 10:30 am

    Thank you, Mary Ellen. I truly appreciate your prayers, and I pray that each of the thoughtful comments here will be a blessing to others.

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