• Home
• About
• Audio Workshops
• Homeschooling Teens
• My Books
• Newsletter Editors
• RSS

Advice for Friends of Caregivers

In traditional flower meanings, a pansy stands for loving thoughts.

When you have a friend who is caregiving, there are a few things to remember. Caregiving is something that will come to most of us at some point, perhaps only for a short while, but possibly for decades. Whether you’re the caregiver or a friend of a caregiver, it helps to know a bit about what it’s like. If you missed the first article on this topic, you may want to read it for a little more information on the subject.

Here are a few comments and suggestions that come from my experience and the experiences of caregiving friends. Please feel free to comment if you have additional ideas.

• It’s not that your caregiving friends don’t want to see you, it’s just that getting an elderly or disabled person ready to go and out of the house requires so much energy and focus that we have to carefully choose where we go, what we do, and how long we stay.
• Even if you don’t think we’ll be able to come to an event, it’s still nice to hear about things and have the option of coming if we can make it.
• The children of caregivers don’t always get to go out and do as many things as other children. Inviting them to share an event or experience with your family can give them a delightful memory.
• People who are being cared for have feelings, and even if they are hard of hearing or don’t seem to be listening, please be tactful in what you say around them. Caregivers do their best to help the caregivee feel loved, and appreciate it when you do too.
• People who are being cared for are often conscious of being different. Just a few kind words or a smile can brighten their day. Even if it’s a person whose speech you can’t understand or who can’t hear or understand you completely, you can still make the effort to smile and greet them. It will be a blessing to their caregiver, at the very least.
• When you invite a caregiver and her family somewhere, please be sure to mention whether or not the caregivee is welcome to come along. It’s awkward to have to ask.
• Caregiving families often have enormous strains on their budget, as well as their time, so please be understanding if they opt out of things that cost money.
• Caregiving takes time away from other family members, so many caregivers try to preserve family time by avoiding long phone conversations. It’s always nice to hear from friends, but be conscious of the fact that we may suddenly have to go, and that others may need our attention.
• Elderly and disabled people and their caregivers routinely face things that are embarrassing or unpleasant. If something happens in your presence, please remember to be kind. If an accident happens, it’s not necessary to tell other people or further embarrass the caregivee.
• If the time comes when a caregivee can no longer be cared for at home and must move to an assisted living facility, don’t imagine it’s an easy decision. Caregivers facing this move need nothing more than your kindness and support. They don’t need to be second-guessed or quizzed on reasons, details, or how the new living situation will be paid for. Some things are simply private and don’t need to be shared.
• At the end of life when the caregivee passes on, know that caregivers experience a lot of mixed feelings. There’s relief at having your life back, guilt that you couldn’t do as good a job as you wanted to do, and sadness at losing a major part of your family, your history, and your life. Each caregiver will deal with these varied emotions differently, but above all, they don’t need to be told how they should feel. (No one ever has the right to tell another person how to feel, and it’s disrespectful to do so.)
• If a caregiver is dealing with an elderly person who is bullying, abusive, manipulative, or otherwise toxic, please focus on being kind and supportive, and when appropriate, encourage the caregiver to seek additional help through counseling, respite care, or finding another long-term care solution. Caregivers who survive this situation often experience symptoms similar to Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, which gives you an idea of how traumatic it can be. Even respite care can be a challenge, because having to willingly return to the situation after a few brief hours of freedom can be almost harder than staying in it.
• If you haven’t been through long-term caregiving, it’s probably best if you don’t try to tell caregivers how to do their job.
• If the caregiver prefers not to talk about the caregiving job, please don’t press for information. It’s exhausting enough to live with it without having to spend your few time-off minutes talking about it.
• Conversely, if the caregiver needs to talk a bit, please take a moment to be gracious, even if you don’t like the caregivee or aren’t interested.
• The bottom line in most of these bits of advice is to be kind. Caregivers are doing the best they can with what they have.

Caregiving is a challenge, but by the grace of God and with the love and support of family, it can be done. If friends are kind and understanding, that’s an added bonus. I hope these suggestions will help you love your caregiving friends wisely and pray for them more knowledgeably.

Previous article in this series: Caregiving for Homeschool Families: Don’t Go Into It Lightly

I plan to write one more post on caregiving: Homeschooling While Caregiving: Can It Be Done? You’ll find it here on the blog in the next week or two.

Carnival of Homeschooling: The Beach Reading Edition

The homeschool carnival makes great beach reading.

I’m delighted to host the June 22, 2010 edition of Carnival of Homeschooling! It may be summer, but homeschoolers never stop thinking and learning. To celebrate the season, let’s imagine that we’re at a lovely beach with waves breaking, a gentle breeze blowing, and palm trees rustling. Now…. relax and read while your dear children build sand castles!

Read more

Caregiving for Homeschool Families: Don’t Go Into It Lightly

Homeschool families are notoriously family-friendly, but I’ve recently been hearing questions and concerns about caregiving while homeschooling, so I thought I’d share a few thoughts here. Most of the people who have asked questions have been thinking about their parents or grandparents and have options available other than in-home caregiving, so I’ll mostly address things to consider in deciding whether or not to opt for in-home caregiving.

I was raised by my grandparents, so caregiving arrived early for me. My husband Donald and I cared for my grandfather (actually step-g) from 1989 until he passed on from complications of Alzheimer’s disease in 1993, and have been caring for my grandmother ever since. The observations I’ll share are based on my experiences and those of my caregiving friends during the past couple of decades and may not apply to everyone. Perhaps they’ll help as you consider what might lie ahead for your family.

You Gain

• You learn to be flexible and patient.
• Your children can become better acquainted with the person you’re caring for, and bless them by helping out.
• You learn that people are more important than perfect schedules.
• If you’re caring for an elder who is still mentally sharp, you can take the opportunity to learn from them.
• You gain friends who understand some of what you’re going through.
• You learn that a sense of humor can make an awkward or unpleasant situation bearable.
• You learn not to rely on yourself, but on the Lord.

You Lose Read more

Thankful Thoughts on Freedom, England, Homeschool, and Writing

Dear Readers,

I sometimes come upon a thought so well expressed that I just have to share it! Today’s guest post is the editor’s letter from the Writing-World.com newsletter, and it’s reprinted here with the kind permission of the author, Moira Allen.

This Thanksgiving, my husband and I were deeply aware of the many things we have to be thankful for — chief among them being the fact that we are once again living in the United States.  As most of you know, we spent 15 months in England, pursuing (but not precisely living) a lifelong dream.  Those 15 months made us appreciate so many things that, as Americans, we take for granted.

Freedom, for example.  One thing I’ve always taken for granted is
that if a civil authority (e.g., the police) wishes to enter my
home, a warrant is required to do so, issued by a judge and only on
presentation of “just cause.”  Not so in England!  Any number of
“civil authorities,” including social workers, council
representatives, “wheelie bin police,” and quite possibly the
vegetable seller down the street can legally enter one’s home for
any number of reasons (including things like whether you’re
importing an illegal variety of potato — which admittedly wasn’t
something we worried about overmuch). Read more

Carnival of Homeschooling- The NaNoWriMo Edition

Preface

Don't miss our Thanksgiving Sale!

Welcome to this hundred-and-umpteenth Carnival of Homeschooling! Because November is National Novel Writing Month (also known as NaNoWriMo or nano), and I’m over 10,000 words into the writing process (and can’t think of anything but writing, writing, and more writing), I thought it would be appropriate to format this Carnival as sections of a book. I even consulted the Chicago Manual of Style for an authoritative list of book parts!

Introduction

For me, homeschooling is first and foremost a heart matter. In Mangled Schedules and Grateful Hearts, an article I wrote for Home School Enrichment magazine, you can read how a father’s presence and influence can shape a family school. Enjoy! Read more

Motivation: What Gets People Moving?

Before you start school this year, you may want to consider motivation. What is the most effective way to encourage your children to study and learn?

Some of us (ahem–me, anyway) respond well to doing things I find intrinsically interesting, but can coerce myself into doing tedious stuff (balancing checkbooks, anyone?) by the promise of a hot-fudge sundae at the end. Not sure about the quality of work! My boys sometimes did hard stuff just because they were interested, but balked at what I thought was easy and quick. Daniel Pink’s video talk for TED is an interesting look at some detailed studies on motivation and the effect of rewards. Very interesting!

College Choices - Homeschoolers Have Options!

This post is featured in the "Field Guide to Homeschoolers" blog carnival at Principled Discovery!

Visit the convention season sale through July 12!

Now that homeschoolers have proven to be high achievers in both academic and social realms, they are being actively courted by many colleges. However, just as many homeschool parents paused before placing their young children on the big yellow school bus, they are now considering whether the traditional model of sending young people to live on a college campus for four years is an ideal way to meet the goal of higher education. Homeschoolers have blazed trails in elementary and secondary education, and they are now earning early college credit through exams or dual-credit classes, completing college at home, or simply choosing to attend a local college while living at home. There are more options now than ever before!

Why Not Live on Campus During College?

According to Dr. Jeff Myers of Inspired Leadership, spending four impressionable years of life living closely with the world is similar to the immersion method of learning a foreign language. If parents are willing to have their child absorb the good, the bad, and the ugly along with academics, four years in a dorm is the way to go. Most parents feel that older teens still need daily mentoring, stabilizing family relationships, and spiritual answers to the questions that inevitably arise when studying academics presented through a secular filter. According to Anne Miller of the Home Educators Association of Virginia, whose four oldest children were attending college at the time of this writing, living at home keeps young people from developing a self-centered attitude as they continue to serve the family through helping with home chores and interacting with younger siblings.

Earning College Credit in High School

Students who are capable of undertaking challenging work can accumulate a year or more of college credit while still in high school. Traditional-school students take Advanced Placement (AP) classes, followed by an AP test, in order to place out of entry level courses in college, but homeschoolers can go a step farther and earn actual credit by taking a CLEP (College-Level Examination Program) test, rather than the AP exam.

Students can prepare for exams by doing extra study on their own, taking an AP or honors class (online or traditionally), or by participating in an advanced co-op. Advantages of earning college credit while still in high school include:

• Time - One 90-minute CLEP exam covers one or two semesters of a subject, and by taking several carefully selected exams, it is possible to shorten the time it takes to earn an associate’s or bachelor’s degree by a year or more.

• Money - The cost of earning 3-6 credits is about $75.

• Advanced placement - Instead of sitting through a basic class that covers material learned in high school, students can skip directly into more advanced and interesting classes.

Students who plan to use CLEP exams to get a jump start on college need to create a high school curriculum plan that includes advanced-level course material for subjects in which tests will be taken. These subjects will be recorded on the high school transcript as AP or honors courses, and students receive weighted grades (one extra grade point) for each class. College credit is awarded by the college the student attends in the future, and it is based upon a passing score on the CLEP exam. Not all colleges award credit for exams, so it is important to select a school that does.

Dual-credit classes are another way to get a jump start on college. To earn dual-credit, a student studies a subject in a community college class instead of a high school class, and earns both high school and college credit. Mature teens may be ready for the challenge of the classroom atmosphere, and taking dual-credit classes can provide a gradual transition into a more structured learning environment.

College From Home

If you have heard of the Swann family, you know the idea of college from home is not new. Each of the Swann’s many children was homeschooled, not only through college, but also through graduate school, receiving their master’s degrees at an age when most other teens are graduating from high school. This family used traditional correspondence courses for each level of schooling, and this is still possible, but the Internet has dramatically increased the number of options available. Students at home can participate in classes which include a variety of online elements, including virtual labs and real-time discussions. The degree earned at home is just as marketable as a degree earned on-campus, and it often comes with less spiritual risk.

Attending College While Living at Home

This final option is probably the most familiar - students attend a traditional college, but live at home, rather than on-campus. While this option limits the choice of a college to one within reasonable driving distance, it provides several advantages. In addition to being more economical than on-campus living, this option provides students with the familiar, supportive environment of home and family in which to process all the new information they are receiving. Second, they have instant access to spiritual, academic, or personal counseling from someone who knows and loves them, and who shares their spiritual worldview. Third, the presence of other family members of various ages with various needs helps to remind young people that they are not the center of the universe - self-centeredness can be a problem for students whose primary consideration is “my schedule, my classes, my choices.” And finally, this option enables students who are academically ready for college, but younger than traditional college age, to benefit from the home atmosphere while they mature.

Just because our teens are growing up, it isn’t necessary to follow the rest of the world in their education. If we don’t want the results we see in the culture around us, we can change the input. The purpose of college is an education, resulting in a degree, and each family has many options for achieving that goal.

*****

Don’t forget the convention season specials– you can save on my most popular books!

I’ll be speaking this week at the Ultimate Homeschool Expo 2009! It’s an online convention that has the fun of convention without the hassle and expense of leaving home. I’d love to “see” you there!

• Online Seminars with With 35+ Speakers!
• Virtual Vendor Hall!
• Free Gifts–ebooks, audios, downloads!
• Special offers from your favorite Online Vendors!
• Mp3 Downloads for all audios (over $1000 in workshops!)

Get your ticket TODAY!

Carnival of Homeschooling- The Spring Fever Edition

tulips

Is anyone else ready for spring? The daffodils are up, forsythia is glowing at the edges of the woods, and from my cozy spot by the woodstove, the bright sunlight offers the illusion of warmth. It’s quickly dispelled by the damp chill when I open the windows, but the boisterous bird song renews faith that spring is on its way.With spring almost here, I thought we all might enjoy a lovely floral journey for the March 31, 2009 edition of the Carnival of Homeschooling. Our writers have submitted some excellent posts, so gather ’round and enjoy the Carnival!

We’ll begin with a bit of late breaking news: Better parenting leads to more competent children hosted at “Why Homeschool” Henry Cate reports that studies confirm that loving and firm parents have more competent children. Really? Read more

Decision-Making: The “Anti-Supposed To” Manifesto

I’ve recently heard a lot of questions around the idea of “supposed to.”

• What am I supposed to wear?
• Are there supposed to be lines between every paragraph?
• Are we supposed to wash the dishes in the left or right side of the sink?
• Are we supposed to write on both sides of the page?
• What is my student supposed to do with her literature assignments?
• Are we supposed to use cursive?
• Are you supposed to send flowers?

Enough, already! Sometimes you’re just supposed to do what needs to be done in the very best way you can. This is very important when teaching children. Too many “supposed to’s” and they lose the initiative to learn and to try new things because they imagine there’s only one right way to do anything. What a mental prison! Read more

Teaching, Learning, and Growing Despite Current Events

The current news cycle has presented us with some very useful opportunities for teaching and learning this fall. There’s the election, of course, which offers a perfect opportunity to do a unit study on American government. Next, there is the tsunami of negative economic news. What a perfect time to read and discuss Richard Maybury’s books!

Finally, there’s the blessing of autumn itself. Here in Virginia, we’re just starting to see leaves shading from summer greens into the rosy reds, clear yellows. and warm oranges of fall. The dogwoods are sporting bright red berries, while the pyracantha is blanketed with a heavy crop of rich orange berries. Squirrels are bustling busily with winter preparations, cheeks full of acorns as they make innumerable trips up and down the trees.

I mention these three things together as a reminder that even in the face of political uncertainty, financial stress, and negative news, there are still the steady seasons and cycles of creation to appreciate. Children can be very sensitive to stress and bad news, so as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, it’s important to limit the inflow of negativity. This doesn’t mean mean ignoring important teaching opportunities; rather, using them in a limited and controlled way. Read more

Next Page →